Toaster (Oven) Defeat

This morning at breakfast:

J: Do you want a piece of toast?

M: I don’t think so, thanks.

J: I only needed one piece. But I couldn’t stand to turn on our ginormous toaster for just a single piece of bread, so I made two.

M: I know, I hate our toaster.

J: Yeah.

M: I take full responsibility for having chosen it.

J: [Silence.]

M: Well, I take 90% responsibility. You were there. You said it was okay.

J: They don’t make any small toasters.

M: They do! They have them on the Internet.

J: They’re ugly.

M: Yeah, but I don’t think I care anymore. I just want to be able to melt cheese in a reasonable amount of time. Without having to run a generator. Or listen to that godforsaken ticking!


J: What if I spray-painted the plastic parts of our old toaster in a pretty shade of pink?

M: It’s not the col—WHAT?

J: [Giggling.]

M: [Hysterics.] We still have—?

J: [Hysterics.]

M: [Barely getting the words out.] I told you to put that toaster on the curb!

J: [Doubled over.] There’s nothing wrong with it!

M: [Tears arcing from face.] It’s 15 years old and disgusting, and it doesn’t even work!

J: [Grasping stomach.] All you have to do is hold the door closed when you turn it on!

M: [Howling.] Sometimes! And sometimes that doesn’t work, either! And the creaky hinges! I hate the creaky hinges!

J: [Silent wheezing.]

M: [Silent wheezing.]

[Gradual return to calm.]

M: It’s on the side of the house, isn’t it?

J: [Nodding.]

M: Yet again, I have been thwarted by the silent, guileless subversion of my husband.

J: Welcome to marriage, Sweetie. With me.

M: Yeah, I don’t need to be welcomed. I’ve been here a long time.

One Response to “Toaster (Oven) Defeat”

  1. jojo says:

    i coud totally see and hear and imagine this ! too funny – (John does remind me of old people who grew up in the depression and save everything! Good luck with him!) luv jojo

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